I want to make a difference to the world for autistic people, I really do! I’m very passionate about this. However, I’m being held back by autism which is quite ironic hey? I need to contact people, spread the word, be sociable, network etc etc etc. None of these things come naturally to me. I never feel good enough to say ‘hey look everyone this is what I’m doing’ because I’m too worried that I’m doing something stupid/wrong and will be judged by others. I really can’t bare criticism for some reason it makes me very emotional, so I’d rather not speak about my ideas or share them with people I know just to avoid these situations. Even this blog I’ve started writing I have made a facebook page in order to promote and share my posts but have not shared it with my own friends list for fear of hearing negative comments. I’m easier with strangers reading this as I never have to see them or face what they say, I can always delete a comment if I don’t like it. But if its real people I must face who might make comments I can’t deal with it. If someone sat here now reading one of my posts while I was in the room I’d be embarrassed before they had even commented. I would feel judged, think they were sniggering as they were reading, and assume they were thinking, ‘what is this shit!?’
I’ve no idea why this is such a big problem for me. I don’t remember any significant events that happened in my childhood that would have made me this way. The odd comment about my big glasses but other than that I didn’t experience any bullying. This leads me to think that its related to being autistic. An inability to regulate emotions effectively. I hear a negative comment about something I’ve done, even if the comment was intended to be constructive, it would feel negative. But which emotion is it I’m feeling? Ashamed, embarrassed, sad, angry…. I struggle to tell the difference and therefore do not have an appropriate response to it and just cry uncontrollably! I suppose that’s some form of a meltdown? It’s completely over whelming. This hasn’t happened to me for many years now but that’s completely because I avoid all situations where it might happen. I don’t put myself out there, rarely even offer an opinion in case its shot down.
I see this exact same pattern playing out in my daughter. She told me a few days ago some one in her PE class casually commented that she wasn’t very good at whichever sport they were playing and she started crying and couldn’t stop and had no idea why. I’m hoping that because I am beginning to make sense of this now that it will help her do the same and understand why she feels and experiences things the way she does. I’m very happy to be able to support her into adulthood with knowledge and understand, things that were lacking for me growing up. This is no one’s fault it was just a different time we lived in 20 years ago as far as understanding autism was concerned.
It’s definitely something I need to get over if I’m going to make this blog work!